Knight Industries 2000 Lawn Mower
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions
01 Oct 2002 – I just noticed a disclaimer today on my lawn mower. “Do not attempt to smoke the grass that you are cutting.” I’m very pleased that this is on there, because I often pass by houses while driving, and I see lawns being cut by very happy people. I usually never see them rolling up joints using the grass that they’ve cut, so I’m really not sure why they’re so happy. Maybe they’re happy because they get to enjoy the 90 degree weather beating down on them for hours at a time. Perhaps it’s because they like the color green. Perhaps it’s because they’ve smoked a joint before they started cutting grass. I think that lawn mowers should be able to do like the Knight Rider car and be bulletproof. I know that *most* people don’t get shot at while mowing their grass, but I’ve been shot at 3 times in the past two weeks while cutting grass. I’d like to be able to talk to my lawn mower. Well, I already talk to it, but it never talks back like the KITT car from the Knight Rider show. I’d also like the infrared camera so when I’m on my seventh beer and drunkenly veer into the hot neighbor woman’s yard, I could see her naked while cooking. Even though all I could see would be the heat, it would still be cool, because I have a good imagination and I could get a good and clear mental image of what she looked like naked, with the help of the infrared sensor. Mostly I want a Turbo Boost button on the lawn mower so I could go really fast over the rocks by the side of the road. They’d totally just dent the cars of those assholes that throw garbage into my yard. Plus, with Turbo Boost, it would take me less time to get refills on beer.
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