Stuck in the Past | Humor

Stuck in the Past
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions

Aug 19, 2005 – Technology has advanced, but why can’t greeting cards advance as well? It’s already very agonizing trying to find a greeting card stating something to the effect of, “I’m extremely happy for you, Mother. I wish for you all the joys and happiness possible. Congratulations on your second marriage…”

Greeting cards to congratulate one’s mother on her first marriage are incredibly difficult to find, if they exist at all. I’ve never seen such a card, but I admit I’ve never performed an intensive search. The current divorce rate is 50%. I fail to understand why the greeting card industry fails to recognize this avenue of exploitation among consumers.

With the opportunity of second marriages, Greeting Card Corporations could suggest to consumers that they buy an additional card; the first card would congratulate on the second marriage, the second card would express sorrow or sympathy on the failed first marriage. Let me assure you that a potential profit gain of 200% (tax not included) is nothing to dismiss lightly.

Another target of my disdain is the poor selection of Mother’s Day and Birthday cards. With dysfunctional families on the rise, this appears to me as a ripe opportunity for yet another acquisition of substantial profit by Greeting Card Corporations. For instance, “For Mother, who was always there.” is a common message contained within a greeting card. Allow me to dissect this: we live in an era where mothers and fathers have to work at the same time just to support their family, the government, and families of government officials. It’s becoming increasingly rare that mothers are “always there” for their children. I’d suggest a minor edit: “For Mother, who probably always wanted to be there. I guess.” Notice the subtle changes. With that statement, you’ve covered two situations, each very common in today’s world:

1. A card for a mother who was forced to work while you were a child so she could keep up with her municipal tax, city tax, state tax, federal tax, emergency medical care (plus tax), car tax, gas tax, shoe tax, life-sustaining medicine tax, tooth tax, air tax, and property tax (who likes to be rained on?).
2. The angry resentful child who didn’t comprehend about taxes at the time.

For technology to keep advancing, choices with which we are faced at greeting card stands and gas stations must advance as well. The following sample letter is what I believe would be an appropriate addition to the the limited options available at present. Keep in mind that it can be used for any victim of trauma, abuse, and neglect from early childhood who might currently be missing a Two of Spades in his or her emotional deck.

Mother. I’ve sent you a card. This indicates some form of positive emotion towards you on my part. I would say attachment, however, I was unable to afford the tax on the disclaimer that came with this card. This card very likely indicates a positive feeling, but as I am uncertain, I will require you to fill out this short survey. Please circle all that apply — write-ins are allowed. Simply indicate what you think my feeling(s) may be, represented by my action/thought of sending you this card.

1. I love you.
2. I respect you.
3. I acknowledge you.
4. I have fond memories which infrequently surface when my subconscious mind is more active than my conscious mind.
5. As of mailing this card, I can remember your first name.
6. I trust the fact that if I asked you for a DNA test, there would be similarities between our genetic structure.
7. If I had money to pay for the tax on flowers, I would get you
   as many flowers as you craved.
8. If I discovered a method of counterfeiting money which could not be detected, I would give you a million dollars a year for
   the rest of your life.
9. When my medication is adjusted properly, I am able to
   view the pictures of you I have in my photo album without blurred vision.
10. You confuse the hell out of me.
11. I would probably hang out with you and your
    friends if you bought the nachos and beer.
12. (Enter Comments/Misc.)

After this survey is completed, please fax it to me and I will rephrase it in the form of a paragraph. I will then sign it without hiring a lawyer to analyze it for loopholes or statements which may incriminate me or be used at some later time for purposes of blackmail on the part of either party. It will then be faxed or emailed back to you as a pre-scanned file attachment.

Regards,

Your Son/Daughter,

(Print First Name, Omit Last Name and Date for Legal Purposes)

***

Dates of minor edits/revisions/corrections:

• Aug 31, 2008