Google Attempts to Acquire itself, Shares Plummet

Google Attempts to Acquire itself, Shares Plummet
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions

Mon Dec 1, 2008 3:38pm PST

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA (Mental Dimensions) – The market lost confidence in Google (GOOG) today after a press release announced Google failed in a takeover bid to acquire Google. A spokesman for the Internet giant apologized publicly for the error, and assured investors the cause would be addressed by the end of the next trading day.

Google is best known for its search engine and its benevolent goal to own everything on the Internet by using smiles and handshakes.

Shortly after the markets closed today, Google spokesman Bob Foresight gave the reason for the collapse of Google’s stock prices. “It was a minor programming error. The problem originated inside a plain ASCII text file. the text file is generated daily by our lead programmer, Randy Simpleson, and it contains a list of every known company. Each of those companies is an eventual target by Google for acquisition. Regrettably, Mr. Simpleson forgot to remove Google from the list. Our automatic corporate takeover program was designed only to execute plans that would achieve world domination; the program was simply carrying out its basic set of instructions.

Traditionally Google has a reputation for excellent employee benefits. Mr. Foresight has explained that Google will hold to that part of its business model. Simpleson will be fired and given a severance package which includes three houses and $55,000 a month for the next 40 years.

Besides losing his position at Google, Simpleson faces the possibilty of being banned from using Google’s adsense on his personal web sites.

Share prices of Google are expected to recover and climb quickly. Analysts already have predicted that by the second quarter of 2009 Google’s stock chart will reach Heaven, where God is waiting with a smile and a handshake.