April Fools Day Gifts
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions
March 19, 2009
Welcome to the Mental Dimensions gift shop. Here, you’ll find unique ways to entertain and delight yourself at the expense of other people and their sanity. These presents are sure to satisfy the most sadistic needs of April Fools Day gift-givers. Your purchase is guaranteed* or your money back**.
Statue of Liberty
The Statue of Liberty is a very popular gift; the first of which was a present from France to the United States (the rumors that it was re-gifted and was originally a gift from Norway to France have never been proved). The original is not available through Mental Dimensions, but an actual-size, genuine replica[1] can be shipped directly to your victim. Placement of their new Statue of Liberty[2] will create a logistical nightmare which will cause them to wake up screaming for many years to come. They’ll tremble with fear as they realize they’ll be forced into giving up every spare piece of acreage on their property. If they still don’t have enough room, then that makes your gift even more delightful, putting your friends or relatives into the awkward position of risking insulting you by refusing your generous gift. You’ll find it hard to hold back your giggling as you watch them stutter, sweat, and squirm as they attempt to politely tell you, “Thanks, but no thanks.”
Another use for this gift is to have it shipped to France,[3] with a note saying, “We appreciate the thought, but the invitation to immigrants no longer applies, largely due to partisan politics. We apologize we’re unable to return it to you in its original condition, but 
please consider us the next time you have presents to give.” Following a three or four-year war, the French will appreciate the gag.
Trojan Horse
A Trojan horse makes a great gift for your neighbor, and is a great way for you to acquire new lands, treasures, and replace another’s culture with your own using only brute force and one check made payable to Andy Alt. Our lovely wooden beasts are constructed from Sequoia trees borrowed from the majestic Redwood forests in California. The maximum capacity of our Trojan horses is 415,[4] whether your army consists of Trojans, Americans, or other. Each horse contains overhead compartments which easily accommodate modern weapons of mass destruction.[5] Electrical hook-ups can be obtained easily and conform to most standards used at RV parks. And so, gather up 414 of your closest friends and relatives[6] and prepare let the fooling begin![7]
Deed to the Louisiana Territory
Among the many benefits technology has brought to the civilized world, forgery is one of them. Using advanced computer software, Mental Dimensions is able for a limited time[8] to offer authentic forgeries of a deed to the Louisiana Territory[9]. This vast expanse of land has proved over the last two centuries to be very valuable, and has shown to be worth killing for. You’ll be able to observe from the sidelines[10] as the recipient of this gift hunts down and slaughters the indigenous people of this much-desired American region. You’ll be thoroughly amused on April 2nd, when you tell them how practical your joke was, and that your gift to them was completely fraudulent, printed on plain, recycled computer paper with an HP Officejet J3600 and an ink cartridge that’s been refilled seven times using a $10.00 ink refill kit.
Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh
The last person to receive this unique gift became the Savior of Mankind. Our sales staff doesn’t claim this could happen if you gift this gift to someone, but only guarantees you can have a lot of fun with it on April Fools Day. The suggested method of giving this gift follows:[11]
First, you’ll need two friends to assist you. All three of you will need to dress up as Kings, Magi, or wise men. Be sure to buy ten or more quantities of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Go into the maternity ward at a hospital early in the morning of April 1st. You’ll go into the room of mothers who recently gave birth, hand them their April Fools Day gift of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Congratulate the happy couple on giving birth and loudly praise the Second Coming of the Messiah, or the Christ. To be believable, avoid referring to their child as the “Son of God” or “Son of Man” — you won’t know if they had a son or a daughter so it would be wise to only use a gender-neutral title or salutation.[12]
*there are no guarantees in life
**no refunds or exchanges can be made after 1) the original date of purchase, 2) March 31, 2009, 3) your payment is in my bank account, or whichever comes first
[1] while supplies last; if actual-size statues are not available, 12-inch copies carved from Ivory soap will be shipped in its place. Sorry, no refunds.
[2]granite base sold separately
[3]International shipping charges will apply
[4]additional fees added for the custom installation of bathroom facilities
[5]some weapons of mass destruction, such as nuclear warheads, will not fit in overhead compartments
[6]if they are not close friends or relatives, they could be spies who are likely to warn the recipient of your gift
[7]giving this gift may results in imprisonment or death due certain local, state, and Federal laws regulating carnage and mayhem
[8]until I get caught
[9]combined with the Statue of Liberty, this gift will provide more than enough land area necessary for placement of statue
[10]almost any area East of the Mississippi River
[11]using this method will cause your soul to be eternally damned to Hell
[12]if any couple you will be targeting had multiple births, you will be caught. Sorry, no refunds
—
Disclaimer: The preceding article was a fictitious (not real, untrue, devoid of facts, false, wrong, misleading, deviant, dishonest, conflicted to reality, illusory, imprecise, inaccurate) piece of work. It was funded in part by viewers like you, the Democratic National Committee, and the Republican National committee. Jesus and Ralph Nader disapprove of this work of fiction (lie, falsehood, inconsistent facts, insincerity, negligence, irresponsibility). Any resemblance to persons mentioned, both living or dead — including me — is entirely coincidental. Reading this may have caused diarrhea, constipation, stimulation, sleepiness, excitement, sexual arousal, sexual dysfunction, boredom, suicidal thoughts, lack of suicidal thoughts, love of life, or love of death. If you’ve experienced serious adverse reactions you’re out of luck due to the disclaimer being placed at the bottom instead of the top.
That was good. haha. I like the Louisiana Purchase one.
You do have some great ideas there, though most are out of my price range
ha! I miss you…i hope you’re well!
I’ve experienced some of the side-effects listed while reading this article–good thing you included a disclaimer, or I’d sue your funny ass!
Hi, I’ve read a lot of articles on your site, they’re really funny. I’ve had generalized anxiety disorder since I was 3 years old. I was put on all sorts of crazy medications since I was 7 years old. During my teenage years I was put on cocktails of antidepressants, antipsychotics, stimulants, amphetamines, mood stabolizers and benzodiazzepines. The antipsychotics were horrible and it’s not fair that I was put on all that crazy stuff when I was a kid and teenager. I got off all my medications cold turkey over a year ago, I was very naive back then when it came to medication, eventually I found out all that stuff. It’s weird how during my teenage years, my personality would change whenever I changed medications. Your blog has a lot of funny material and I will continue to read it.
At three years old, how did they diagnose you with Generalized Anxiety Disorder? That’s a bit of a rhetorical question; I doubt if you could find out now. But I’m still curious — did your tiny little toddler fingers shake? Were you uncomfortable at parties? Any fears about “going” in public restrooms? Don’t tell me you were afraid the IRS might come after you for what you earned while playing Monopoly!
I suppose I’m an ignorant slut whose mind is closed. I simply can’t fathom how a three-year-old could be diagnosed with GAD so young.
I was naive as well. I was on medication from age 19 to age 31 (I’m 36 now). I’m sorry to hear that you were abused in such a way.
Glad you enjoy reading my site, and thank you for sharing your story. I suppose your former doctor would be hard to get a hold of to answer my questions because he’s probably in jail or on some exotic vacation with his hardly-earned money.