The Couple’s Delight and the Giant’s Regret

The Couple’s Delight and the Giant’s Regret
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions

Tue February 10, 2009

Once upon a great long time ago there was sand upon the land. The ground wasn’t so far away, and upon that dirt there was a man who stood upright, as most men do, when they’re not drunk or taking a bath. He looked about the sky for the sun and soon found it, hanging there like a demented moon who thinks she’s a sun. After the man found the sun using his eyes, he realized that in the past he’d made wiser choices than looking at something so very bright and painfully blinding.

As with all wise men, he quickly learned from his mistake, and because he was blind and wise, he never bothered himself to look at the sun again.

A few days after some clocks changed hands, he was cured of his blindness by magical forces and technology from the future.

He was indeed grateful to have his sight back, but a day later decided to have his sight front, where his eyes were located. This made his wife very happy because she was usually in front of him, where she could play back his words during an argument.

Now the man and woman were married, as was the custom in that nearby land — traditionally, fornication was more acceptable when two people were married, and adultery was impossible without the holy bond of matrimony.

Now that the couple were in bonds by marriage, they weren’t able to move about as freely. It was impossible for them to walk about separately or get other exercise, until the one day they realized that sexual intercourse worked well while two people were in bondage. They stopped concerning themselves with walking, or talking, and started doing other ings with each other. Marriage became much more tolerable, and soon after, their bonds became unbreakable.

And so they were a happy couple, 29 years after they got married, and they bore fruit. The man was a planter, and the wife was a picker. Between both of them they were able to plant many trees and pick many fruits. Their labors were not entirely based on skill, but fortune enough to have dirt, water, seeds, and the sun the man claimed to have discovered.

One rainy and cloudy day, a giant happened upon the happilly married and carnally satisfied couple. He proclaimed politely, but loudly, the way giants often do, “I’m hungry. Please give me something to eat.” The surprised couple were stunned with fear. The giant, speaking again, though a bit more aggressively, threatened, “Or I will eat you both!”

The husband was appalled with the bad manners of the giant, who seemed so polite only moments before. The wife, realizing the giant was at least being honest about his hunger, declared to her husband, “Let us give the giant a meal, lest he devour us and vanquish us using his giant tongue and ridiculously large stomach.”

The husband agreed, but with one condition. “I think you are correct, wife. But I fear he may eat us anyway, and then we will not be able to love each other or argue anymore because death brings greater stillness and silence than a giant’s belly when it is full. We must deceive this giant to protect our trees, our life, our land, and our love. Let us give him the trunk of one our trees. It is a rainy and cloudy day, and giants are known in ancient Greek and Roman mythology to be stupid and easily tricked. Oh yay, though I wish this giant had only one eye like the Cyclops’ of long ago, but perhaps two eyes can absorb twice as much deceit as one.”

The wife agreed it was a good plan, and the risk of death and motionless love steeled their resolve and made their courage as great as the ups-and-downs of marriage. The giant was growing impatient, a common thing for giants to be, and he started tapping his left foot against the ground. The light tapping by the giant caused a tree to fall. The husband and wife looked at each other and smiled. The husband looked up, carefully checking to make sure the sun hadn’t reappeared, and said to the giant, “We will gladly do as you ask. My wife and I have an ample supply of food, and it would bring us joy to help a weary traveler, especially a traveler who could so easily kill us if we didn’t acquiesce to his demands.”

The giant looked at them and smiled, drool forming upon his enlarged lips. The wife said to the giant, “I will go forth and fetch you food, that you may feast and be satisfied, and not be hungry to taste my husband or I, nor cease us from moving about from side to side as we are legally allowed to do by state, local, and federal law. Please accompany me and I will guide you to the delicious meal which awaits you.”

The woman led the giant to the tree that had fallen down. It was dark, cloudy and rainy, and he could not see clearly. She took his enormous hand, and placed it upon the tree trunk. “This will make you feel full, and will cause you to forget you were ever hungry. Mayhap you will be less inclined to feast upon me or my good husband, or other things that belong to us.”

The giant picked up the tree trunk, which was as tall as him and two feet thick. He devoured the tree in under five minutes, and let out his belt five notches. He smiled at the woman, all drool gone, for it was used to digest the tree.

But when the wife looked up again, the giant had a gigantic frown upon his face, but mostly on his mouth. He said, “I have to go to the bathroom.”

The giant excused himself, walked away, and was never seen again. To this day, which falls upon a Tuesday, magical fairies flying upon the wind whisper of a giant dropping logs, with nary a leaf with which to cleanse himself. You will sometimes hear them on cold, dark, rainy nights, when there is naught to hear but a quiet stomach rumble or the faraway squeak of nighttime furniture, specially designed for married people, sheet-makers, and laundry detergent salesmen.