April Fools Day Gifts

April Fools Day Gifts
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions

March 19, 2009

Welcome to the Mental Dimensions gift shop. Here, you’ll find unique ways to entertain and delight yourself at the expense of other people and their sanity. These presents are sure to satisfy the most sadistic needs of April Fools Day gift-givers. Your purchase is guaranteed* or your money back**.

Statue of Liberty
The Statue of Liberty is a very popular gift; the first of which was a present from France to the United States (the rumors that it was re-gifted and was originally a gift from Norway to France have never been proved). The original is not available through Mental Dimensions, but an actual-size, genuine replica[1] can be shipped directly to your victim. Placement of their new Statue of Liberty[2] will create a logistical nightmare which will cause them to wake up screaming for many years to come. They’ll tremble with fear as they realize they’ll be forced into giving up every spare piece of acreage on their property. If they still don’t have enough room, then that makes your gift even more delightful, putting your friends or relatives into the awkward position of risking insulting you by refusing your generous gift. You’ll find it hard to hold back your giggling as you watch them stutter, sweat, and squirm as they attempt to politely tell you, “Thanks, but no thanks.”

Christmas Recovery

By Amy

December 27, 2009

So, I spent Christmas Eve and Day with my sister. On Christmas Day we indulged in tender, juicy roast beef and real, creamy mashed potatoes smothered in finger licking homemade gravy. As a way of expressing my gratitude, I made the statement to my sister, “I don’t know how you do some of the things you do”, who generously yet spontaneously prepared the delightful meal. Her response without expressing much hesitation was, “I like to keep myself busy because it helps take my mind off living and gets me that much closer to the end of the day so I can go to sleep.”

Wait a few days before you kill yourself

Wait a few days before you kill yourself
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions

December 22, 2008

If you’re thinking about killing yourself, wait a few days. At least hold off on your suicide until after the holiday season.

I’ve had an increasing amount of suicidal thoughts lately, but I’m going to give it a few days before I make any hasty decisions or permanent travel plans.

Everybody should know by now that more suicides take place during the holidays than any other time of the year. If you’re feeling more suicidal than usual right now, chances are it’s holiday stress that has you nailed to the mat.

Why this time of year? Last night, December 21, was Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year, and therefore the shortest day of the year.

Stuck in the Past | Humor

Stuck in the Past
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions

Aug 19, 2005 – Technology has advanced, but why can’t greeting cards advance as well? It’s already very agonizing trying to find a greeting card stating something to the effect of, “I’m extremely happy for you, Mother. I wish for you all the joys and happiness possible. Congratulations on your second marriage…”

Irish Chemist Creates Four Leaf Clover-Marijuana Hybrid

Irish Chemist Creates Four Leaf Clover-Marijuana Hybrid
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions

05 Mar 2006 – A scientific breakthrough just in time for Saint Patrick’s Day, the world’s first Four Leaf Clover-Marijuana hybrid has been approved for private consumption. The only condition is that a wet towel be placed under the door prior to its use. The creation of this marvelous plant is sure to spark attention across the globe, and ensure that Ireland will be a famous country once again.

Life Insurance Policies for Chia Pets, No Christmas Cheer | Humor

Life Insurance Policies for Chia Pets, No Christmas Cheer
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions, Co-Edited By Story Charms

29 Nov 2005 – With Christmas swiftly approaching — as dark clouds often do — my thoughts have turned toward the gift that keeps on growing. I’m of course referencing the infamous Chia Pet, a ceramic creation released in the eighties due to the popularity and notoriety received by the Afro in the seventies. I know my readers are probably now asking, “Is nothing sacred to this man?” Do not fear, I will not desecrate any Chia Pet. As a matter of fact, I own 27 of them. I have raised them from Chia-Pups, and have even taken out large life insurance policies on all of them. If any mysteriously crack, split, or accidentally get smoked, they’ll be replaced by money, and a proper ceremony will follow. Sure there will be feelings of loss, but I’m confident I’ll be able to deal with my emotions in a calm and rational manner.

Christopher Columbus, Discoverer of the Ohio State Capitol

Christopher Columbus, Discoverer of the Ohio State Capitol
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions

01 Oct 2005 – As another holiday looms closer, I would like to share my feelings about Christoper Columbus. I feel that the true meaning of Columbus Day has been lost, similar to the true meaning of Christmas — the latter being shopping, stress, and getting as plastered as humanly possible because one has six days to kill before a New Year’s Eve party. I would like to rekindle in my visitors the sense of history and science associated with this great man. As historical facts sometimes cause me drowsiness, I will attempt to distort things as I desire, while not caring if my data is still corrupt from LSD use as a teenager.