Thunder Thighs Begins, Returns, Forever and Ever…Amen! | Humor

Thunder Thighs Begins, Returns, Forever and Ever…Amen!
By Chris Nardone
28 Mar 2006

Faster than a speeding Turtle…
More powerful than a chili stinker…
Able to leap Barbie doll townhouses in a single bound…
It’s a nerd…it’s a turd…no, it’s THUNDER THIGHS!

* * *

It all started on a planet in the neighborhood of that Kal-El guy’s home world called Ticklon.  No, this planet wasn’t in danger of exploding.

Not even close.

There lived a dimwitted couple who were lousy parents, deciding to send their whiny little rugrat to Earth where it would be in the care of gullible, stupid-ass, Earthling parents.

The Frauts were just sitting down to watch the movie “Caveman” on HBO when out of the TV popped that little shit from Ticklon.  God knows why, but they named him Freaky.  Yeah, Freaky Fraut.  Years later, they sent Freaky to the store to get some snacks and road beers.  On his way there, lightning struck him.  Right in his thighs!  Ouch!

How to Properly Deactivate a Bomb | Humor

How to Properly Deactivate a Bomb
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions

March 8, 2006 – Movies have been made for decades — many of them involve a bomb being deactivated. When I see a scene in which a bomb is deactivated 1-3 seconds before it’s about to explode, I’m not impressed by the script writing. If I ever write a screenplay that includes a scene in which a bomb has to be deactivated, creativity will be my primary objective. In my story, the bomb will have one wire. That wire will be cut and the timer will stop. The timer’s digital display will read no less than sixteen hundred seconds remaining.

My idea lacks suspense, but it contains originality. I’m confident I’ll be able to write some intensity into the remaining 118 minutes of the film. I have ideas for other methods of building an original sequence of events into a script. For your reading enjoyment, I present you with an excerpt of thoughts from my head.

“Major Davenport, permission to speak freely?”

“Can it wait Lieutenant Jefferson? I’m trying to deactivate this bomb.”

“No sir, I don’t believe it can wait, Sir.”

“Very well, Lieutenant, go ahead.”

“Major, Sir, that’s not a bomb. That’s a turkey, Sir.”

Alien Abduction and Representing the Human Race | Humor

Alien Abduction and Representing the Human Race
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions, Co-Edited By Story Charms

17 Jan 2006 – Needless worry doesn’t concern me. It’s aliens abducting humans at random that worries me. I have no real problem with being abducted by aliens; my main concern is that they’ll want me to be a representative for the human race. I suppose a lot of humans lay awake at night worrying about the same thing, praying, “God, I hope Andy Alt is never abducted at random and asked to represent the human race on our behalf.”

Nurturon 370 – Humor – Unfinished

Nurturon 370
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions

12-15-2004 – Today I’m writing, but yesterday I was cybernetically linked to a machine which printed my words as fast as I could think them. I’m not usually one to dwell in the future, but I feel the need to get all this down before my implants shut down.

I have been to the future. I was born in the future. I will die in the past. I can accept that. If I went by your calendar, I was born February 17 in the year 3176. I remember it was very cold that day.

Star Trek TOS Crew Résumés | Humor

Star Trek TOS Crew Résumés
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions

Sep 1, 2004 – The crew from the Enterprise-A may have retired, and Captain Kirk may or may not be dead, but all have résumés on file in Federation data banks. I happened to be in the future not too long ago, and managed to bypass the security encryption codes (a mere 640-bit encryption algorithm).

I don’t have room to post the résumés in their entirety, but here are some excerpts:

**

Nyota Uhura

Objective: Seeking long-term position in the Customer Service Industry

Extra Skills: Multi-Lingual, can translate/interpret any known language as long as my employer provides me with a fully-functional universal translator. Without the universal translator I am only bi-lingual and can speak English and Swahili fluently.